Things To Do When You're Absolutely Positively Not Okay

I'm not okay.

Today I could have fooled ya. I was okay. I ate lunch with a friend, I got asked on a date, I went to class, and took a test. Now, sitting on my futon alone I am not okay. There are plenty of reasons I can justify as to why I wouldn't be okay. This weekend I was with my ex boyfriend for the first time in three months - we had sex - that is not okay. I texted a boy to come to my formal with me this evening - he stopped responding - that is not okay. All I want to do is have my ex here to hold me and love me, and its not even that he doesn't or that he won't, its that he's four hundred miles away and I can't talk to him. I called him crying last night I can't do that again tonight. I cry because I crave his attention and he doesn't give it to me. It's not that he doesn't like me or enjoy time with me, its just that he's so damn logical and able to separate things. I envy him.

I googled, "what do I do if I don't want to live anymore," while I'll admit thats dramatic even for me, I can't help but separate my feelings from it. I'd rather be dead than feel how I feel right now. I am not okay. Most of this seems so mild and dumb and I get that. Most of the people in my life fight me on the fact that I have depression and anxiety. I don't want the diagnosis because its a fad right now (which it totally is), but because it would be nice to put a name to the face that I've known as my depression for almost half a year.

I'm a psych major. I think I know too much to go to these college counselors. I don't, but I know what they're asking when they ask. The last time I went the woman gave me "plans" which i had already thought of. It just hasn't worked for me in the past. She also told me not to come back unless things got worse. I wouldn't have gone if they weren't already bad! I'm very good at putting on a brave face and showing people what i think they want. Then I sit alone in my bed and cry.

Should I text him?? Drafted message: hey, totally cool if you're busy. just like, struggling lol. Drafted message: Hey, busy?? Drafted message: I don't want to text you. Im mad at myself for it. but I'm struggling.. I CANT FUCKING TEXT HIM WHAT the hell u wild emma.

I sound so annoying and stupid lol. will update if i end up sending some stupid shit.

Considering sleeping pills and going to bed.  I take them every night so let's not freak out about me self medicating. I won't drink if i feel sad beforehand, i don't do drugs. I need sleeping pills. I have to shut off the world or I'll drive myself even crazier than i already feel.

I just want to feel better.

So what do you do when you aren't okay? I haven't quite figured that one out yet, but let me know if you have.

(not texting him. gn.)